Forgiveness: An Important Virtue

By: Aimee M. Provencher
Posted In: News

Some people take their frustration out on the sports field. Others bring it into their relationships. Others choose to keep it inside.

“The most expensive lumber a person can carry is a chip on their shoulder,” said Rev. Michael Malone, a Catholic priest and a psychology professor at Salve Regina University. The hassle of holding a grudge not only keeps people in the past, and never allows them to move on, but ruins relationships to come. They not only hurt themselves, but they are hurting the people around them.

According to Newsday the Amish community of Lancaster County, Pa. taught the world a “lesson in Christian forgiveness.” On the morning of Oct. 2, 2006 Charles Roberts, murdered five girls and wounded five others. He reportedly, according to CNN.com, admitted that he had previously molested members of his family, and was fantasizing of doing so again. After he executed the girls he then committed suicide.

Charles Roberts, astonishingly enough, was forgiven by the girls’ community, according to Newsday. While at the funeral, a “Grandfather of one of the girls [said] to the family. ‘We must not think evil of this man.'”

For Rev. Michael Malone, forgiveness is crucial to Christianity. In any given denomination, Malone explains Christians are likely to recite the Lord’s Prayer at their Sunday services, and that prayer reminds them of its importance.

Within that prayer we ask God “to forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those that trespass against us,” Malone said. Jesus Christ our Lords’ life reflects this example. Like this one, there are other countless examples from the Bible that serve as powerful showings of forgiveness. The priest points out Christ’s own words on the cross: “forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do.” Christ insisted upon forgiving your brother, for he is merely human and an equal.

According to Everett L. Worthingtons’ release of The New Science of Forgiveness, most people in our society today view forgiveness as a weakness. They struggle with it because they assume by forgiving they are “losing the upper hand.” What they don’t realize is the importance of it in everyday life.

Malone also acknowledges that forgiveness serves a psychological purpose. “(It) frees you from the burden and the compulsion of revenge,” he said. “It liberates you from that burden that can drive you crazy.” Shakespeare’s Hamlet and his struggle to take appropriate action after his father’s murder came to mind. Seeking revenge against his mother’s new husband, Hamlet drove himself mad and destroyed his kingdom. Seeking revenge, or holding grudges, also destroys intimacy, demolishing relationships between communities, nations, and congregations.

Perhaps most important, Malone says, learning to forgive brings peace. “When you forgive somebody, you’re doing a lot for yourself,” he said. “It’s like a journey across a bridge from a world where we are cycling our anger to a place a peace.”

Malone blames the media for enabling individuals to undermine the power of forgiveness. The most popular stories are the heroic tales of how the world is in chaos, and somebody decided to take action as opposed to accepting, the priest notes.

What many people don’t understand is how to put themselves in the other persons’ position. Fr. Malone believes that people should not judge someone that until they have walked a day in the other persons’ moccasins. The differences between people are never-ending but underneath it all, we somehow seem to share common ideals.

The Jewish tradition also represents the principles of forgiveness. Rabbi Marc Jagonlinzer has spent 32 years serving as an ordained figure of his religious belief. He has spent his entire life being devoted to and promoting his faith. He consistently relays the same messages to anyone who seeks him out for advice: the ingredients to forgiveness is processing the hurt and letting go.

According to Jagonlinzer, people do not comprehend the idea of forgiving, but not forgetting. Confrontations are healthy as long as they are mature, truthful, and both parties are able to express their hurt equally.

The Holocaust is a monumental example of the importance of forgiving, but not forgetting Jagolinzer recognizes. The Jews were cruelly and viscously persecuted by the Nazis; thousands were exterminated for an unjust cause. Jewish people live amongst society, and all though they will never forget the harsh realities of the past; they have forgiven in order to coincide with their brothers and sisters.

The Jewish people devote an entire day, Yom Kippur, where they ask God forgiveness, not only for the sins they commit but also those they were prone to make. The Jewish people use this as a way to release and move on from the past, but others have gone a different route.

Linda Chaves, a registered nurse at the Newport Hospital for the past 15 years has seen, on average, three drunk-driving related injuries a week. But none of that could prepare her for discovering that her son had been killed in a fatal drunk-driving collision that he was responsible for, while away at college in New Hampshire.

A little more than five years after his death, Chaves admits that she cannot really make sense of what he did, or why. She has not, and is likely to never come to terms with it, but she found herself compelled by the importance of others.

Over the past four years Chaves has given over 400 speeches to colleges, high schools, and the open public. Sharing such a personal and horrific tragedy surely engages and interests the audience. She notes that “at the end of every presentation there is the same silence, the sniffling, the tears.”

Obviously, it is hard for anyone to share this type of experience with perfect strangers. But, “It allows [her] to share memories with other people, to talk about her son, and hopefully get the message out,” Chaves said.

Because of the intimate, private details and stories she share not only helps herself, she is helping others as well. She alludes to an alternative for expressing hurt and healing, one that some avoid at all costs; speaking out to people.

Communication allows people to express feelings, good or bad, and to grow as people. Worthington suggests that we must discover the best ways to communicate forgiveness to the general society. Whether they intended to or not, The Amish community did just that.