Peculiar Moments

By: Monika Raczkowski
Posted In: Opinion

It’s always this peculiar moment when I realize that I am on my own and that I have begun my own life. Sometimes it feels so strange to be sitting at the desk of my on-campus apartment staring out my window at the distant ocean, the street of busy Salve kids late to class, and tourists pointing at my dorm as their cars crawl by. I don’t realize that when these people walk past me on the cliff walk or on the street and look at me, they see a twenty-year-old college student.

I don’t feel twenty. In fact, I forget that I am twenty.

When I was in fifth grade, twenty-year-olds had the perfect lives. They were older, beautiful, they drove cars, had boyfriends and went to school. I never met an unhappy twenty-year old. They didn’t complain about anything, at least not to me.

I was shy and I never formed much of a relationship with anyone much older than myself, but I remember this radiance that surrounded college girls in my extended family and friends. I remember the attention they received from everyone asking about college and boys and driving. They were so independent. They had money, which to a fifth grader was a big deal.

Now that I am a twenty-year-old, I forget about this now and again.

I get absorbed in worrying about paying for things, homework, grades, and getting along with my parents (that rarely happens).

I get busy moving from one place to another, one class to the next, from meal to meal, and appointment to the next appointment.

When I look out my window at Ruggles, I realize that I am here. This is college. I am growing up, or have I grown up? Above all I realize that I am me. I know that sounds strange, but do you ever think about who you are?

I am a student here and whether or not I believe it sometimes, I am already twenty years old. When people ask me about my undergrad days, I will tell them about Salve, Newport, the ocean, Miley, the amazing friends I have made and the crazy things we’ve done.

Wondering about this makes me look at myself and think so much more about who I can be. I do not intend to make decisions based on the views of the public opinion, but thinking about what others may think of me makes me conscious of my power to be whomever I want.

Instead of wondering where the years have gone by, I can focus on being me.