Saddam: “We got him” or “We’ve had him?”

By: Dave Ellis
Posted In: Opinion

Well it’s official: We’ve got Saddam Hussein, and the war in Iraq is ov…. um well, we’ve got Saddam Hussein. I know this because I woke up Sunday morning, and he was at the dentist’s live on CNN. Apparently, old “crazy beard” has been living in a hole in Tikrit, the town in Iraq where he grew up. He was all by himself with only a suitcase holding $750,000 and a 9mm handgun. I know what you’re thinking. “Isn’t that the same way they found O.J.?” The answer is yes. However O.J.’s beard was not falling off during the post- apprehension video. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, if I was seeing right it looked like Saddam kept feeling his beard like it was coming off of his face. But why would he have a fake beard? It’s not as if our government would ever keep something of importance from us, and who would have anything to gain from us finding Saddam now rather than back in July?

… In other news the presidential primaries are coming up and things aren’t looking all that good for G.W. –wait just a minute here. The presidential primaries are coming up and G.W. is not looking like the best guy for the job in 2004? What could happen that could possibly make him appeal to the voters? Hmmm… maybe a new hair cut, or he could kiss some babies on T.V., possibly a cameo on “Friends.” Or he could all of sudden announce that, through his perseverance, our armed forces captured the horrible fugitive dictator of an oppressed country. You know that’s so crazy, that it just might work.

After all the whole “Surprise! I brought you turkey on Thanksgiving because it’s my fault you’re in the middle of a hot desert, and people are trying to kill you so you can’t be home with your families for the holidays” thing only worked for a week or two. After that, the country realized the economy still had worse numbers than “Gigli”, and we were still in a war that we “won” back in the springtime.

I don’t know. Call me cynical, but it seems a little crazy that Saddam didn’t use the gun he had on either himself, which would have been preferred, or on our troops. Also he had no guards, and he was in a hole in the ground, near a farmhouse in an area that we had reportedly “scoured” looking for him. What happened with the “We’re going to look in every nook and cranny” technique back in June? What were the other guys who searched this area doing? Were they having conversations like this:

“Hey, Bill, should we look down in that hole over there? See it near the trail of hundred dollar bills and the Halliburton contracts?” And the commander would respond “NAH he wouldn’t hide down there. Let’s go check the American embassy.”

I don’t know about you, but I give our troops a little more credit than that. I think if you stick a hundred of the toughest guys in the world in a little town, and tell them if they find Saddam they can go home a few million dollars richer, they’re gonna come back draggin’ a pudgy dictator-shaped bag behind them.

It’s true, I do think our boys would’ve found him quite a bit sooner. But I don’t know for sure what happened over there. I’m just saying, the election is coming up, things are still real messy and I haven’t seen old W. playing poker with Chandler and Joey.