The State of the Union’s a Mess

By: Dave Ellis
Posted In: Opinion

After a week of extensive therapy and on the advice of many friends, I’m ready to admit that I was one of the 7 people who watched George W. Bush’s “State of the Union Address.” But, in my defense, I really did think it was a Saturday Night Live skit. Why else would he talk to us like we are idiots?

To prove my point, I would like to share my favorite phrase of the evening, “WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION….related program activities.” What kind of activities are we talking about here? Were the Iraqi scientists playing kickball and talking about what it would be like to have WMD’s? Man, I’m really glad we used a major preemptive strike to put a stop to the Iraqi Scientist’s father and son softball game.

But the war in Iraq was not the only thing G.W. spoke about. He also came out against amnesty. Obviously, people who break the law do not deserve second chances. Unless, of course, those people did a little bit of cocaine in the seventies, or are the daughters of that person and get caught drinking underage at a Chili’s in Texas, but I’m not going to name names. And let’s not be crazy. Of course, you deserve a second chance, especially if you are involved in a major corporation that committed some serious white-collar crimes. Why, you should even have the opportunity to become the vice president!

Third on the list of things that G.W. came out against is gay marriage. I think somebody should tell George that it’s only for people that want to marry gay. He doesn’t have to. Georgie says we have to defend marriage as an institution, because obviously in a country like ours, with such low divorce rates, everybody is really concerned with the sanctity of marriage. Just ask J-Lo. And, I mean, since nobody out there is committing adultery, marriage is definitely a very sacred thing. Just ask Hillary Clinton. Honestly, George, if gay people want to get married, just let them. They’ll probably do a better job than the rest of us.

I think if there is anything I learned from the address, it is, yes, Dick Cheney is still alive. Secondly, that George W. Bush, even after four years, still has no idea what he’s talking about, and finally, that I need to upgrade my cable programming so I don’t have to watch the next one.

Also, let’s all pray for our troops because I hear Syria is trying to organize a “Syrian Scientist bring your daughter to work day” so we could be invading there any day now. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to engage in some malt beverage related program activities.