Anonymous asked: My roommate and I used to be best friends, but now we’re growing a little distant. How do I patch up our relationship?
Roommate relationships are some of the most complicated, mainly because every single one has a different dynamic. Some people share a close friendship with their roommate, while others work best with little interaction outside of being in the room together. In both of these situations and all in between, it is only natural to be occasionally (or even often) annoyed with the person we share a living space with. These annoyances can be either remedied or worsened when there is a close friendship in the mix.
In your situation, you first need to look at yourself and where you are. Are you comfortable living in the room? Are there any factors besides your friendship issues that are affecting the way you feel in your living environment? Remember that there is a difference between roommates and friends. Just because two people are a great match as roommates does not necessarily mean that they would work well as close friends, and the opposite is true as well. Two people who room together are in no way obligated to be close friends; the most important thing is respectfully sharing a living environment. You should keep in mind that no matter where the friendship goes, if you’ve found that you room well together, it may be worth just staying roommates.
With all of that said, I understand that previously you and your roommate were very close friends. No matter what the room situation, if you are truly uneasy about the current distance in your friendship, then the best way to address this is to talk to him or her in person. This is not a conversation to be had over text message, or any other platform other than face-to-face. If you go another route, it will be difficult to decipher exactly what the other’s words may mean, and either of your tones could be misconstrued, possibly turning the conversation into a disaster very quickly. In order to avoid catching him or her off guard, ask ahead of time when he or she would be free to talk about some friendship issues. Have the talk somewhere other than the room, such as over coffee or lunch, so that no one feels trapped and afterwards you can both have some space if needed. If you approach him or her ahead of time, you will ensure that you have each other’s full attention. Both of you can then make time for the meeting so that schoolwork and other activities won’t conflict or cut the conversation short.
Going into this discussion, you should be open about what you want from the friendship, open to listening to what he or she wants, and open to talking about what may have caused the break. Although you may be feeling some strong emotions, during this conversation you must be especially conscious about controlling your own reactions and remember that you still live with this person. If it turns into a blow-up argument, it may not only further damage your friendship but it will definitely make your room an uncomfortable environment to live in. Give yourself time to think before you speak, and make sure you won’t say something that you will regret, or that will make things more awkward in the long run.
It is important to keep in mind that because the friendship is not where you want it to be right now, things may not go your way even after you take the initiative of having this talk. You should prepare yourself for the possibility that your roommate may think you work best as roommates, and he or she may not want to restore the friendship like you do. If this is true, it is unfortunately something you will just have to accept. You can’t make someone feel the same as you do, and friendships cannot be fixed by a one-sided effort. There is plenty of time and plenty of opportunities in college to make lifelong friends, and just because your current roommate may not be one of them does not mean you won’t find these people- or that you haven’t already.
Overall, my three steps for you to solve your problem are as follows: 1) Look at the current situation, what you feel is wrong with it, and what you want changed, 2) Approach your roommate for a face-to-face talk, and 3) Understand that this talk may not bring your friendship back to where it was, but that it should at least bring you some closure on where your friendship stands.
