By Kristin Wilinkiewicz |Co-Editor-in-Chief
You’re sitting at the kitchen table, thinking about your errands for tomorrow, when the phone’s shrill ring jolts you back into the present. Your thumb sinks into the flashing “answer” button on the phone, and you can hear the anxiety in your child’s voice as they say “I need to find a new roommate. Now.”
The only thing you hoped for since you left your child at their dorm was a smooth transition to college, and you knew that depended, at least in part, on how comfortable your child was with their roommate. The nightmare begins when they aren’t as perfect a match as they had originally thought.
When you do get that call, though, you know that this time, you aren’t there to guide them with every step. You worry about them being so far away, and how they’ll handle it, being truly on their own for the first time. You hope you’ve given them the skills they need to deal with issues like this.
Dealing with this type of situation can be just as stressful for a parent as it is for the student. The problem is, parents don’t have Resident Assistants to go to in times of anxiety or when they don’t know what to do. Luckily, by remembering these three things, you can balance your role as a supportive parent while allowing your college freshman to transition into becoming an independent adult.
1 – Support, but understand there’s a second side to the story.
There is never one side to a story—we’ve been told that since we were children. This is also true when it comes to roommate conflicts. Jennifer Rosa, who is in charge of educating students about a variety of things, including dorm life at the Salve Regina University Office of Campus Life, stresses that often residents vent to parents about their struggles, but sometimes overlook their part in the conflict and what they can do to better the situation.
Rosa says that the most difficult thing for parents can be talking to their child, but seeing not being able to help them confront or better the situation. She says that the most important thing parents can do is to “ask questions to get the whole story out of them, to see if there’s more than what they’re telling,” in order to better understand the situation. It is essential that your child is able to see the conflict from their roommate’s perspective. Often, residents get so caught up in their own troubles that they forget to take a step back and look at the entire picture. The sooner both parties understand one another, the better.
2 – Help your student understand that communication is key.
“Right from the bat, instead of engaging in the story of what’s going on, they should talk to their son or daughter about communicating with their roommate. I think that’s huge—communication in general,” explains Rosa. She says that often students are unwilling to approach their roommate and talk about things that are bothering them, or change the things that are bothering their roommate. This, very often, hurts more than helps the situation.
A study conducted at West Virginia University on the effectiveness of communication in college roommates in conflict found that the more information that is shared between roommates, the less likely roommates misunderstand one another’s intensions. In fact, when roommates communicate, they are more often able to see how they, themselves, may be at fault.
So, as a parent, Rosa suggests that parents talk to their daughters or sons “not to gain information, but to say ‘Have you talked to your roommate about these problems?’… It’s one of the easiest things a student can do, but the option they think about the least.”
Lisa Taschereau from Burrillville, Rhode Island, whose daughter attends the Massachusetts College of Art and Design and experienced roommate difficulties earlier on in the year, also agrees that communication is the key ingredient in resolving conflict. She says that she always encouraged her daughter to speak her mind. She stresses the importance of “not letting the roommate walk all over her” and allowing discussion to be had between the two. In the end, it’s about “trying to find a way to work around each other” says Taschereau.
3 – Don’t be a “hover parent”; trust the system.
A study that came out in a 2014 journal dedicated to child and family studies found that parents who try to control aspects of their child’s life while away at college have a negative effect on the child’s well-being. The study also found that college students in these situations are less likely to become independent and trust in their own abilities both in college and later on in life.
Taschereau also stresses that an important part of college is letting students problem-solve independently. “As difficult as it was for me, I let the situation resolve itself… You’ve got to pull back the reigns and let them figure it out themselves,” says Taschereau. She says that she knew her daughter would have to develop the confidence to confront and resolve conflict in the real world, so she made a conscious decision to step away from the situation and trust in her daughter, as well as the skills of her RA.
From a Resident Life perspective, Rosa stresses the importance RAs can be in helping resolve roommate conflicts. She says that one of the worst things a parent can do is to try and mediate the conflict themselves. “It really needs to be a person who is impartial to the situation,” Rosa says. When your student goes to an RA, you can trust that they have been trained especially to deal with roommate conflicts and mediations. The roommate conflict mediation process is designed in a way that had been proven to be effective. Rosa says you just have to trust it. “Have faith in the process… we try to make the best matches as possible.”
